My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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