When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
