im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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