I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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