seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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