White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
