I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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