a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
