What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I deserve this hangover.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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