Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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