Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
do nipples grow back?
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