Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
