I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
