i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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