Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
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