My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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