I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
