Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
