We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
