My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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