you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
