Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
