Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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