If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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