On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
