On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
