I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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