i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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