Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize