Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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