Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize