hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
