The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
