I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
