You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
