My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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