worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
