Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
