I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
