I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
