Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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