awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
