Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
