babies were throwing up all over the place
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
