he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
