I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
