birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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