So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
