Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
