I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
sarcasm needs its own font
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
