So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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