Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
