Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
