i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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