im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
