dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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