You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
