Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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