i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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